


Would I know If I'm Losing Concepts?

by buds-of-marjoram (Mira2016)



Category: Noblesse (Manhwa)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Amnesia AU, M/M, Noblesse Fix It
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-26
Updated: 2019-01-29
Packaged: 2019-10-16 14:36:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,503
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17551553
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mira2016/pseuds/buds-of-marjoram
Summary: Dark Spear has almost consumed Frankenstein, Raizel had to do something, anything! But, what if by destroying DS, Frankenstein loses everything that makes him who he is; his memories?





	1. Am I more than my memories?

> _I am forgetting things, which scares me._
> 
> _I am losing words, although I am not losing concepts. I hope that I am not losing concepts. if I am losing concepts, I am not aware of it. If I am losing concepts, how would I know?_
> 
> _Which is funny, because my memory was always so good. Everything was in there._
> 
> _Neil Gaiman, Trigger Warning_

 

'Do you remember anything?'

The question stopped the upward motion of his hand, bringing the glass of water down once again. The younger looking dark-haired man's question brought to the foreground his current dilemma. Should he even answer that question?  
'No… Nothing.'

§§§

Standing in front of a fogged-up bathroom mirror, the middle-aged man tried to make heads or tails of the number of bottles and paraphernalia he found in his private bathroom, or so the others kept telling him. Were all these grooming products? How long would one person take to finish bathing using all of these?!

With a sigh, he started checking labels: body wash, shampoo, conditioner, bath oils... his eyes hurt, his brain hurt. Anything would do, he just wanted to be clean.

It didn't occur to him until he was cocooned in the warmth of the hot water that he knew how to operate the one-hundred-functions shower without instruction or hesitance. That he knew how to handle his far too long hair. That he knew how to read the strange script on too many bottles.

§§§

He was still not allowed out of his room. He has been told, repeatedly, that he isn't well. That he should rest. He didn't find it in himself to argue. For what end?

The silver-haired man was the one who brought him his lunch today along with warm honeyed tea.

He didn't like the worry and quiet despair he could sense from the other, he wanted to send him away, but something fiercely protective would rise inside of him every time his lips parted to utter the words, something that told him to shield and comfort the other.

‘Still nothing?’ A tentative question, one he was tired of answering. He sighed, pushed his half-eaten food away and faced the other's pleading eyes, ‘Nothing.’

§§§

Fact list No. 1

He was a smart man, he can tell that much at least, even though if asked he wouldn't know how to explain just how he knows.

He knows far too many languages, even if he can’t remember their names.

He has a strong build, which to him is the complete opposite of the long locks that keep tumbling over his shoulders and onto his face. It annoys him; it's too impractical, and why would he have such long hair anyway!

For some reason, he is too attached to it.

Maybe... maybe it was a lover's wish that he wears it so. But, where were they?

§§§

Fact List No. 2

From the reactions of everyone around him, he knows he is home. He knows he is loved.

Why the hiding and the lies then?

§§§

The too energetic dark-haired man was back (he was told that his name is Tao, he must remember that at least). He brought with him the only sane person in that house; Takeo. He didn’t mind Takeo visiting him, at least he didn’t give him a headache, nor make him feel guilty.

Tao brought him a gift; a laptop that has some of his work and several videos from the lab security cameras. They believe this might help.

He was afraid to hope.

§§§

Fact list No. 3

He knows how to operate the laptop, he understands the complex experiments recorded on it.

He owns and runs a school

The lab is his…

§§§

Before he opened his eyes, he knew two things: it was very late, and he was being watched. He didn't feel anxious, uncomfortable, rather he felt... safe. It must be the same man then. The man with dark hair and blood-red eyes. Despite the loss of his memory, he was fairly certain no human eyes should have that colour. And yet, five people living in that house have the same carmine eyes. No, not the same. His were different. Deeper, somehow, and jewel-like. A red crystal holding a burning Phoenix. Yes, that’s how his eyes look like.

‘Do you need anything?' The soft whisper forced him to open his eyes, it seems he couldn't really fool the other. He hadn't seen him since he was moved out of that lab, his lab, and he didn't realise how much he missed him until he saw the clear worry etched onto the other's face. But, why would he miss him?

‘You don't have to sit with me, other than the hole in my mind, I'm fine,' said the amnesiac man pushing himself into a sitting position.

‘I know. I wanted to.’

‘Okay.’

‘I've been thinking, I know this is a foolish assumption, but Tao and M-21 said you know me best and I…’ the blonde-man hesitated, he didn't know if what he's going to say is wise, but what more could he lose. He was tired of assuming things. He wanted answers. Making up his mind, he took the plunge, 'I feel different around you. Safe, comfortable. And I keep wondering if... if there is a reason for that. So... are we by any chance a couple?' Frankenstein asked with a playful tilt of the head, trying and failing to make light of it, to hide how nervous he was. He could feel the other's intense regard, closing his eyes he waited in silence.

Raizel looked at Frankenstein closely; the reddening cheeks, the nervous clutching of linens between trembling fingers, the pitter-patter of his bonded's heart. Is it safe for human hearts to beat so fast? There was a softness to dear, dear, precious Franken since this had started, a softness that awakened in him all the protective instincts he ever had and that was never associated with the fierce, brave human he bound himself to. A softness that makes him fear to tell him any part of the truth. Would Frankenstein even believe him if he did?

‘Yes, we are.' He knew that wasn't exactly it. But, weren't they soul-bound? Didn't they have a family together? Didn't they choose to stay with each other forever? Isn't this stronger than what human beings call a 'couple'?

Raizel could feel the other’s breath catch in surprise. He could see the widening of blue eyes. He could almost tell his bonded’s brain was trying so hard to make sense of what he just told him. He could feel his confusion.

‘Oh! I… I must be a terrible partner in this state.’ Frankenstein lowered his head and closed his eyes, finding solace in the darkness this offered him.

‘Despite everything that happened, you still have a tendency to feel guilty for things out of your control.’ Mused Raizel softly, almost teasingly. ‘I’m the one who should apologise. I should’ve been with you here more often.’

‘Why haven’t you then?’

‘I guess I just didn’t know how I should act, or how much I could tell you of the past without it being too much.’

‘I see … would you at least tell me your name?’

§§§

Standing the middle of ‘his’ lab he couldn’t understand what everyone was saying to him. It must be a joke; a prank played on him! Yet, the anxious, nervous and grim looks seemed to be saying otherwise. But, how can this be true?!

Him, for all intents and purposes an immortal

Raizel, his own partner, a vampire ( _No, not a vampire, a Nobel! Whatever that is!_ ) and so is Rael, Seira and Regis

Werewolves are real, and M-21 is one

Tao and Takeo _enhanced humans_ …

How can he believe any of this?!

Sitting down to save himself the embarrassment of losing consciousness, ‘Are there any other species I’m not aware of? Any other surprises?’

§§§

Fact list No. 4

He is wealthy! Extremely wealthy! Islands-owning wealthy! With private planes, helicopters and various houses all over the world.

How did he come by such wealth?

He had a horde of angry spirits attached to his soul… Ripping them out, tore his memory apart. Nothing remains, and it cannot be fixed.

§§§

He was on one of those private planes now and heading to what Raziel called _Lukedonia_ ; the home of the four nobles, and a place he himself, he has been told, had called home for a while.

A decision has been made; if his memory can’t be fixed then it might be best if Raizel shared his own memories of their life together. Raizel insisted this be done in Lukedonia, judging it to be safer for reasons he refused to share.

§§§

‘Why did I call you Master?’

Frankenstein was tired, of everything. Of this gaping hole in his mind, and his soul. He now understood, as much as it can be understood with no frame of reference, why he felt incomplete, a puzzle that's missing a piece.

He hurts. So much! His heart, his head, his soul… Why did he insist to know!

Raizel, the Lord and Gejutel have shared with him their memories. Everything that happened was a disaster! It was horrible! And he cannot understand!

Even the only good thing he saw in all their memories he couldn’t trust! Was the contract even voluntary?!

‘You once told me that it was a sign of your surrender to me, trust in me. That you trust in my judgement. That you never wanted to leave my side. That you love me.’

There was a wounded look in the sky-blue eyes that dimmed their brilliance, and Raizel hated himself for it.

‘Love? Did I? Did I offer you my blood out of free-will?’ Raizel’s heart missed a beat when he heard these words, but Frankenstein wasn’t done.

‘Actually, have you ever loved me? No, don't answer that! If what you've shown me is true, this servile being who gave and gave and gave and his reward was to have his honour doubted, his powers sealed, his opinions and feelings disregarded. What you've shown me is nothing but kindness on your part, but kindness to a pet would have been the same. You wouldn't have taken the time to inform a stray cat you sheltered that you were leaving after all.’

There was a deadness to the blonde man's voice, acceptance of defeat. It terrified Raizel. He would have known how to handle Frankenstein if he was throwing a tantrum. But this resignation, Frankenstein doubting their bond was like a knife plunged into his heart... he felt like he was losing his bonded and he needed to make him understand.

‘Frankenstein,’ he tried to interrupt

‘No, no. There's nothing to say. But let me tell you this. It's not love when you leave your 'love' kneel for you, it's not love when he calls you master, it's not love when you don't even send an errant thought via a mind-link when you know you're risking your life, it's not love when you wake up after 820 years and continue to waste your life disregarding your supposed love's pleas and pain... I don't know what you feel towards me. I don't know what I feel for you. All I can feel is this aching longing for you. All I sense is this black bit in my core when you quiet our link completely. And it maddens me when I realise you left me to feel this for almost a millennium. So, please, just don't talk to me of love or devotion. Whatever you feel for me are not these.’

Raizel was speechless. Frankenstein has hidden his pain so well he didn't know how much he was suffering. But what can he say!

His companion didn't give him much time to think, however. Seeing that there was no forthcoming answer from the noble, he stood up from his chair and turned to leave the room, and preferably the whole island. He hadn't managed to reach the door before Raizel broke whatever spell he was under,  
‘Frankenstein, wait! None of this is true, I.. I…’

‘Never mind, Master.’ Frankenstein threw with a wistful glance over his shoulder at the other man, ‘it's alright, I’

‘Don't call me that! Never call me that again! You called me by my name for the past months. Do so again. Don't call me Master! I never wanted to be that to you!’

The fake smile was wiped clean off Frankenstein's face, and turning his back fully on the other

‘I'm.. I can't talk about this anymore. I'm tired... I want to go back home. I need to. So, I.. Goodbye, ...Raizel.’

Thus saying, he left the room and headed towards the quarters where Tao was supposedly staying. Either the younger man agreed to fly him back home, or he will just fly himself. But in either case, he will be leaving this land tonight.


	2. How would I know this is my home?

Standing in the middle of the empty living room, Frankenstein surveyed the house that was once his own. But, was it ever really his? Did he ever really do anything for himself after that fateful day when he surrendered his soul and his whole being to another? Going over all the material he found in his labs, the house schematics, the shrine he built, the school, choice of furniture, fabrics, even the style of his hair! Nothing is his! Nothing.

He couldn’t understand how he ignored what the Union was doing, that they somehow managed to build a base under his very nose! How could he have let things come to that? For what?!

He has given up completely on remembering what his goals were, why he went to Lukedonia in the past, what he hoped to gain, what his research was, or even why he offered Raizel his blood. What he has been shown is just a fragment; a buzzle which he has no hope of ever completing, and he had to make his peace with that. For, yes, despite Raizel’s disregard of him, he did respect his privacy and intruded on his deepest thoughts as little as possible.

For some reason, he doesn’t believe this was what his old self wanted out of Raizel or the bond between them…

He must be grateful though for his thoroughness; using biometrics instead of complicated passwords or decryption that would have been impossible to access in his current state, acquiring safe-houses worldwide, and even putting in backup plans for running the school…

He needed to leave, to focus on knowing who he is now, what he wants, and how to go on from now on; and most importantly, what he wants from Raizel. He can never do that in this house where he denied his self-hood for heaven knows how long.

‘Are you really going to leave?’ Frankenstein turned to the younger man, one of those he called his _kids_ which made his protective feelings towards the young werewolf finally understandable. ‘Yes. Everything is order. Tao will handle the school and things should go on as usual.’

‘I’ve never known you were that much of a fool, but I guess I’ve been wrong… Nothing will be the same without you!’

Frankenstein could not reply, he has no answer to offer. M-21 sighed, he has nothing to gain from harassing the other man. He didn’t want to anyway, knowing as he did that the other must be hurting too much as it is.

‘You look younger with short hair;’ he tried once more, ‘it suits you.’

‘You think so?’ said Frankenstein passing a hand through the short golden locks self-consciously.

‘Definitely! At least now you don’t look so much older than me,’ said M-21 shrugging. ‘Where are you heading to anyway?’

‘Wales. I’ve a safe-house there, and for some reason, I felt more drawn to it than all others,’ shrugged Frankenstein.

‘M, can you tell Tao after I’m gone to make sure that,’ Frankenstein hesitated for a moment, then taking a deep breath and turning away from the other continued in a soft tone, ‘to make sure Raizel doesn’t stay in that mansion, or remain in Lukedonia at all, as a matter of fact. To make sure he returns home.’

M-21 knew that regardless of Frankenstein decision to leave, that he still loved Raizel. He never really understood their dynamic before. He never tried to understand. All that mattered was that they care for each other and care for him, Tao and Takeo, and all the others they included in their family. But he understands that Frankenstein is in pain and suffering, even if he can’t really understand why.

‘Sure, I’ll let him know. But I’ll let him know now since I’m coming with you and we should let everyone know where we will be, so they won’t worry.’

Frankenstein turned on him with a raised eye-brow and for a minute he was his old intimidating self. But, M-21 has seen Frankenstein at his worst before and, despite no one would ever dare say of him that he was all bark and no bite, he was exactly that with them; his family.

‘Don’t give me that look… it won’t work on me and I’m not changing my mind either,’ finished the werewolf in defiance.

‘Why do you want to come? This is your home and you don’t have to leave for my sake…’

‘This is your home as well, and yet, you’re leaving,’ he was met with silence.

‘Do you know what made this place home?’

‘What?’

‘You and _him_. You cared for us, for our well-being. Listening to our opinions and honouring them. Accepting me as it is, and even when I asked for something as preposterous as housing two other union agents, you accepted. Just like that, not because you knew they were good people or anything, but just because you care for me, for how I felt and what I wanted. You cared enough that even though you had your doubts that I might have went with DA-5 for my own purposes, you still worried about me. You shown me enough respect to give me the space to do whatever I was doing. That’s what made this house into a home. And if you’re hurting enough that you’re forced to leave, then I’ll be with you. Because, I, too, worry about you.’

Frankenstein stood spell-bound, he couldn’t find the words to express how proud he was of how far the young man who they took in has reached, the stray that would bite the hand of whoever offered him kindness, if what Raizel shown him was true, of how these words, the tenacity of the other healed some of the fine cracks that spread through his aching heart and soul like a cancer.

‘Besides, you need someone to protect you, since you no longer have your insane weapon and all that,’ was offered with a very visible smirk that made Frankenstein just sigh at the evident madness of his family.

‘Thank you, my prince in shining armour,’ said Frankenstein sarcastically, a beginning of a smile manifesting on his lips, the first real smile he wears since he was shown his past, ‘I’m not a damsel in distress, you know.’

‘Well, you never know,’ was the cheeky response he received.

‘Can I suggest something though?’

‘Sure. What’s on your mind?’

‘Let’s head to the Werewolves’ land instead,’ before he finished his words he could see Frankenstein refusal written across his darkening features, ‘just hear me out. It would be best, this way neither you nor myself have to pretend we’re regular people. You can practice if you wish, continue to go over your material and stuff, and at least we know that we’ll be safe with Muzaka and the others.’

M-21 could tell that Frankenstein was considering his words seriously by the thoughtful look he wore, ‘do you trust them that much?’

‘Well, yeah… I mean, we fought together, and Muzaka will never attempt hurting either you or myself. He sees me as a cub,’ M-21 said the word with obvious distaste, ‘and you saved his life. So, I guess they’re safe.’

‘Muzaka will be telling Raizel about us.’

‘So? Do you really want him to wonder and worry where we went and what happened to us? You know Tao will tell him anyway, and we will be telling Tao and the others where we are,’ he was an obstinate man when he wanted, and he will be damned if he encouraged Frankenstein to widen the gulf between himself and the Noblesse even further.

‘Fine, as you wish. I just hope my memory loss allows me to tolerate Muzaka a bit more than I, apparently, did in the past, or else this will be very stressing for everyone involved!’

‘eh, can’t really promise that!’ was the cheeky reply he got once more, ‘I’ll go pack my stuff.’

Shaking his head at the retreating back of the other, he followed him up the stairs to continue his own packing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so apparently they won't be only 2 chapters (oops, blame Franken! lol)  
> This is a fill out for Noblesse fix it event prompt 16. Family


End file.
